Notes from ShellyCentral

thanks mother nature

i'm going to see the hunger games today.
i know!

i'm still unsure. i love those books so much. i know the movie made a lot of money over the weekend, but i haven't heard anyone say how good they are or what they thought. the way the movie Looks is so different than how it looked in my head. even the few clips i've accidentally seen have sort of taped over they way i saw it in my head. i can't even remember how i imagined katniss looked. i'm afraid my favorite images from the book (like gale and katniss sitting on the hill outside the fence) are going to be gone forever after i see the movie.

but i'm going to see it anyway. how can i not? and i'm going to take hannah even though she hasn't read any of the books. i was going to make her until she pointed out her images have already been formed by the movie, whether she sees it or not, because of all the bits we've seen. so we're both going.

we're going today to make up for the sad fact we're not seeing my sister and new baby. they had planned to come to kc to see a doctor today, but that fell through and i didn't find out till yesterday, so we are bummed. have i mentioned how i hate living so far away from the baby girls? i do. i won't see any of them again until easter weekend. too far away!

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sometime last week, d, h and i sat down in danny's study together. it was time to renew our groovegarden.com url and it seemed like a good time for each of us to get the url's we've been wanting. danny and hannah both had to settle for an extension they didn't love, but lucky for me, shellycentral was still available as a .com. !! lucky me. so it'll still be a while before danny gets our new server set up and ready to host a website, but it's a step closer and that makes me happy.

i was thinking last night about justin hall, and his links.net from oh so long ago. i thought about the early days of the internet of having a web site and how i loved it. i'd like to write more about that time someday. thinking of it made me want a web site to post all my things again. you know, i should go ahead and start making it now so that when danny finally does get it going, i'm all ready to post it. or upload it. or whichever verb you like. that would be wise and ambitious. we'll see what happens.

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you may have noticed - you probably didn't, but you may have noticed that yesterday was project life tuesday and i didn't post anything. if you're really on the ball and/or really into project life, you may have noticed i didn't post anything the tuesday before that either. i don't even know what to say. the pl binder is sitting on the art table with  spring break week half laid out all over it. last week's photos haven't even been chosen or printed. i'm just not feeling it. i'm sure i will though, soon, and i'll be all caught up.

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sometime, too, i'd like to write some more bits about being bipolar. how even when it's not like the lady flight attendant who went all whack on her flight last week, it's still a part of life. i am definitely always trying to monitor "where i'm at" mood wise, and where i think i'm headed next, and how to not go there. i thought about it especially after reading this blog post from the super fun artist, samantha kira, but i want to write my own thoughts about it as well.

i'm going to go outside with daisy for a while now. i am still grateful and in love with the amazing weather. in. love. the rainy bits remind me and hannah of great britain and the sunny parts are just amazing. especially for march. thanks mother nature, i am off to enjoy your gift now!

Bad dentist story.

This should probably have some kind of warning. It might be triggering, as they say. It's certainly not pretty.

Here's my bad dentist story.

I was a really little girl. I don't know how little, my mom thinks I had already started school but I'm not sure. Either way I was a happy, innocent, sensitive little goofy girl.

And I needed to go to the dentist, like every little kid. My mom's sister told her about this popular children's dentist. He had a good reputation and she heard kids liked him. She was wrong.

Here's what I remember.
He wouldn't let my mom come in the room with us. Now days everyone knows that's a big warning sign. To me it means something is wrong so walk straight out the door. But it was the early 70s and in many ways life wasn't as safe then. So I went in. After I sat in the chair, he turned out the lights, and closed the shades. I remember how the rays of sun light snuck through between them. He walked around me several times. He said things to me but I don't remember what. He was quiet. He took my hand in his and rubbed the back of his hand against my chest. He flipped our hands around and rubbed the back of my hand against his penis. I don't remember anything about my teeth.

I was so young I didn't know about private parts. I didn't know why he made me touch him.  It was the early 70's and no one was telling little girls about good touch and bad touch. All I knew is it felt creepy. And scary. It felt gross and disgusting and I felt devoured. I felt panicky. I felt unsafe. I didn't know what I felt but I never wanted to feel it again, although I do. When I think of it I can feel it like it just happened today.

After he let me out of the room I rushed into my mom's arms crying. I said I never wanted to go back there again and I didn't. My mom tried to get me to tell her what happened, but I couldn't. I didn't know. None of it made any sense to me except it was horrible and I never wanted to feel it again.

It took years for me to realize what had happened. I had memories of the bad dentist. I knew he creeped me out and I hated him. I knew I hated going to the dentist and tried everything to get out of it. But it wasn't till much later after I realized about boy parts and girl parts and about sick, twisted pedophiles who sought out jobs where they could be alone with children that it all made sense to me.

I can remember that room like it was yesterday. I can find myself flashed back to that moment in an instant. I can remember way more than I want to. And so I still hate to go to the dentist. Even though I have the most wonderful dentist and dental team now. The same one for probably 20 years. Danny convinced me to tell them my story years ago and they have been consistently considerate and kind. I trust him and I trust them.

But today. I had to go. I had skipped cleanings for several years. I go for years having regular cleanings and check ups and then something will happen that freaks me out and I can't make myself go anymore. Danny goes, and I take Hannah. But I can't make myself sit in the chair. I did last week. I went for a cleaning and it wasn't really bad. Except they found the two spots that needed attention, and there was the molar that is starting to crack and needs a crown. It was that news that stopped me from going back last time, but this time I was sure I could do it. Thanks to my sensitive dental team, and most of all thanks to the nitrous oxide. Brilliant drug. I breathe that stuff and I forget everything. I don't care what they do.

Here's the thing though. My dentist found out this weekend our state has new rules about nitrous oxide. Since I took a Klonapin before I went, there was a limit on how much he could give me. I don't know what the limit was, but it pretty much felt like none. In retrospect I should have just said nevermind I will come back, but that thought didn't occur to met as i panicked i the dental chair. I don't really feel like I'm in much control while I'm there .

It's not the normal hated dentist part that gets me either. I mean sure I hate the drilling and the holding my mouth open forever and all the yucky part. But that's not the part I can't stand. It's in between with nothing is happening to distract me. It's just being there. It's feeling them behind me and not knowing what they're doing.

I cried. I cried a little while they were working but when they were done, I lost it. Serious, big time, baby girl ugly crying. It just feels so horrible! And I just kinda don't get why. It was so long ago. It could have been so much worse. The people I see now are so fantastic. But I cried. I bawled all the way home. I kept going after I got in the house. It feels awful and I hate that guy, that dentist who did such a shitty thing to such a little helpless girl.

No one remembers his name. I'd like to know what happened to him. I hope he's dead, and that he got caught. I hope he got stopped from doing that (and worse) to other little kids. Honestly I hope he suffered miserably and is currently rotting in hell. And crying, big loud ugly cries.

I have to go back in a couple weeks for the crown. I will not be taking any Klonapin and I will be getting the biggest dose of nitrous possible. I hope I can do it. I'm not that confident right now really. But I'll do my best.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing my bad dentist story. I know lots of girls have stories like it, and sadly lots of girls have stories much, much worse. Girls and boys, really. But I think it's important to tell. I think telling is always the best thing. I wish I would have known how to tell when it happened, but I'm hoping telling now will be the next best thing.

The Bipolo is attacking.

Most people who know me don't have a hard time believing I have the bipolar, but the last few days I have felt like the posterchild. Or I guess poster-middle-aged-lady. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I am all over the place.

Right now I feel sad. I have zero idea why. I could take some wild guesses but who knows. What I've learned is to remember I am not my emotions. I feel sad. Sad is not who I am. I am still Shelly, and I am having the feeling of sadness. Like everything else, it will pass. I will feel fine again soon. The way it's been going, it might be in about 15 minutes.

I did take some positive actions though. I hung out with Hannah for a while and let her tell me about the zombies in Red Dead Redemption. And the unicorn. She's so proud of herself because she found the horseman Death, which I guess is a big deal.  I scrubbed up in the kitchen. I raked and swept my back patio. And then I figured it was more than enough work.

I wasn't sad all day though. I woke up with some energy so I took a walk. The weather was pretty nice which made it a pleasant walk. I was maybe a little manic when I got back. I made Alan get out of bed and come have breakfast with me and then I made us get busy with some projects.

Around noon, Hannah and I gathered up all the clothes we were thinking about talking with us, hooked up with my mom and sister (and baby niece) on the webcam, and had a travel fashion show. It was very helpful with trying to figure out which pieces worked into which outfits and just how much/little we could get away with taking. I was very grateful for technology and the privlidge of having it.

We went out for some lunch after, and did a couple fun things while we were out. We did a bunch of chores when we got back though. Even some outside work. Crazy, I know. But good of course.

Oh! I checked the mail when Alan and I got back. There was something for Hannah from the State of Kansas!

Dinner was yum.
And now it's after dinner and I'm, well, doing this. And watching Project Runway. My old demented TiVo refuses to record the correct channel so I'm watching it now instead of later with my boyfriend. It said it was recording it, but then when I looked, it was recording channel 6 instead of 69. So I stopped it and turned to the right channel and made it record. So it started recording - and turned right back to channel 6. Poor old TiVo, it gets confused so easily.

Tomorrow is Friday already. Hard to believe. And crazy. The weekend. And one day. And then we're off!

From my journal...

With so much stuff going on in the next few weeks, I'm starting to feel a little wonky and disregulated. This evening I played doctor to myself and had myself write up a little care plan. Here it is. I think I did a great job.

And then I was having so much fun taking pictures of my journal I took a few more.