for the last week or so (it feels more like 18 months), i have been what my therapist calls "dysregulated". i'm not really totally bipolar crazy, but i can just NOT get it together and make my brain leave me alone to get stuff done and live my life. but i think it worst part is that i am seldom pleased with anything, including myself. that is not how i like to live. it is unpleasant.
i know it's unpleasant for the people around me (and please believe me when i say i'm really, really sorry) but also know it is no picnic from over here, either. i mean inside my own brain. i am trying to use my "skills" to keep on without letting my brain problems effect my daily life - but it is hard. and i don't always succeed. and mostly, it is just getting OLD. every night when i go to sleep i think well maybe tomorrow i'll feel normal again.
but i am still waiting.
anyway, it's not really so bad. i mean in the scheme of things. i am reminding myself this. plenty of people are struggling with much worse things this very minute. people i know and love, even. i'll get over it. but i just thought you might want to know. when i talk about bipolar stuff, i figure if you don't know anything about bipolar it might give you an idea or if you do, you'll recognize what i'm talking about and think that maybe you're not so crazy after all.
i don't actually write very much about being bipolar. i think there a handful of things that contribute to that. number one is just that when i'm in the middle of being bipolar, i am in no place to sit down and write about it in any kind of way that makes sense. my brain won't even work like that. that's the point. there's also a little bit of shame involved, as much as there shouldn't be. it's announcing i'm defective, and knowing plenty of people have a skewed perception of what that means. i don't want to be judged, especially on false information. and the other part is i just don't think people want to hear it. 'oh, i have the bipolo and hannah has this and that and waah waah', you know?
but today i felt like writing about it and so i did. there.