This should probably have some kind of warning. It might be triggering, as they say. It's certainly not pretty.
Here's my bad dentist story.
I was a really little girl. I don't know how little, my mom thinks I had already started school but I'm not sure. Either way I was a happy, innocent, sensitive little goofy girl.
And I needed to go to the dentist, like every little kid. My mom's sister told her about this popular children's dentist. He had a good reputation and she heard kids liked him. She was wrong.
Here's what I remember.
He wouldn't let my mom come in the room with us. Now days everyone knows that's a big warning sign. To me it means something is wrong so walk straight out the door. But it was the early 70s and in many ways life wasn't as safe then. So I went in. After I sat in the chair, he turned out the lights, and closed the shades. I remember how the rays of sun light snuck through between them. He walked around me several times. He said things to me but I don't remember what. He was quiet. He took my hand in his and rubbed the back of his hand against my chest. He flipped our hands around and rubbed the back of my hand against his penis. I don't remember anything about my teeth.
I was so young I didn't know about private parts. I didn't know why he made me touch him. It was the early 70's and no one was telling little girls about good touch and bad touch. All I knew is it felt creepy. And scary. It felt gross and disgusting and I felt devoured. I felt panicky. I felt unsafe. I didn't know what I felt but I never wanted to feel it again, although I do. When I think of it I can feel it like it just happened today.
After he let me out of the room I rushed into my mom's arms crying. I said I never wanted to go back there again and I didn't. My mom tried to get me to tell her what happened, but I couldn't. I didn't know. None of it made any sense to me except it was horrible and I never wanted to feel it again.
It took years for me to realize what had happened. I had memories of the bad dentist. I knew he creeped me out and I hated him. I knew I hated going to the dentist and tried everything to get out of it. But it wasn't till much later after I realized about boy parts and girl parts and about sick, twisted pedophiles who sought out jobs where they could be alone with children that it all made sense to me.
I can remember that room like it was yesterday. I can find myself flashed back to that moment in an instant. I can remember way more than I want to. And so I still hate to go to the dentist. Even though I have the most wonderful dentist and dental team now. The same one for probably 20 years. Danny convinced me to tell them my story years ago and they have been consistently considerate and kind. I trust him and I trust them.
But today. I had to go. I had skipped cleanings for several years. I go for years having regular cleanings and check ups and then something will happen that freaks me out and I can't make myself go anymore. Danny goes, and I take Hannah. But I can't make myself sit in the chair. I did last week. I went for a cleaning and it wasn't really bad. Except they found the two spots that needed attention, and there was the molar that is starting to crack and needs a crown. It was that news that stopped me from going back last time, but this time I was sure I could do it. Thanks to my sensitive dental team, and most of all thanks to the nitrous oxide. Brilliant drug. I breathe that stuff and I forget everything. I don't care what they do.
Here's the thing though. My dentist found out this weekend our state has new rules about nitrous oxide. Since I took a Klonapin before I went, there was a limit on how much he could give me. I don't know what the limit was, but it pretty much felt like none. In retrospect I should have just said nevermind I will come back, but that thought didn't occur to met as i panicked i the dental chair. I don't really feel like I'm in much control while I'm there .
It's not the normal hated dentist part that gets me either. I mean sure I hate the drilling and the holding my mouth open forever and all the yucky part. But that's not the part I can't stand. It's in between with nothing is happening to distract me. It's just being there. It's feeling them behind me and not knowing what they're doing.
I cried. I cried a little while they were working but when they were done, I lost it. Serious, big time, baby girl ugly crying. It just feels so horrible! And I just kinda don't get why. It was so long ago. It could have been so much worse. The people I see now are so fantastic. But I cried. I bawled all the way home. I kept going after I got in the house. It feels awful and I hate that guy, that dentist who did such a shitty thing to such a little helpless girl.
No one remembers his name. I'd like to know what happened to him. I hope he's dead, and that he got caught. I hope he got stopped from doing that (and worse) to other little kids. Honestly I hope he suffered miserably and is currently rotting in hell. And crying, big loud ugly cries.
I have to go back in a couple weeks for the crown. I will not be taking any Klonapin and I will be getting the biggest dose of nitrous possible. I hope I can do it. I'm not that confident right now really. But I'll do my best.
Anyway, I just felt like sharing my bad dentist story. I know lots of girls have stories like it, and sadly lots of girls have stories much, much worse. Girls and boys, really. But I think it's important to tell. I think telling is always the best thing. I wish I would have known how to tell when it happened, but I'm hoping telling now will be the next best thing.
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