Several months ago, a long time friend of the GrooveGarden commented on a picture I posted of old journals on a shelf. He suggested that when I didn't have anything to post, I grab an old journal, open randomly and post. I thought it was a brilliant idea, although I've altered it a little: I read through the entry and make sure it's beyond embarrassing before I decide to post it.
Hey, this song 'You' has been stuck in my brain. And I just turned on MTV and there it is. Wild. Candlebox. That's who sings it.
I was in the study trying to be creative, but it just wasn't working. And I decided I needed a journal session. So here I am.
Of course I have just about nothing to say.
That's probably not really true.
I've got lots to say. I just don't know how to get to it and how to get it out.
On the surface, of course are things like I hope I get to the PO soon. Hannah seems to be feeling better. And today she just laid down on the floor and went to sleep.
And right under the surface are things like why did I waste so many years of my life? All those cult years. Just gone. Wasted. Forever.
And why can't I just accept that and go on?
I don't know, but I just can't.
[I have the majorest crush on the Counting Crowes boy.]
[I feels this... something... the creativity... this power... stiring, straining just below the surface! Come out! Come out! Come on out!]
And I think - I started getting RubberStamp Madness magazine way back when we still lived in the apartment. Why didn't I use all that time to grow and develop ME!? What did I do with all that time? All those years?
Sat here on the couch and watched TV.
Sat at the computer and red NetNews.
So thanks to advice from my momma, I've been trying to think of/remember what was different about my life long ago when I was happy.
The biggest majorest thing, I think - I'm sure - is I was around people all the time.
I mean think about high school - I would never be one to say that those were the best days of my, or anyone's, life. But there were great parts. When else in your life do you get to spend 5 days a week with your best friends? How many interpersonal interactions happen in a typical school day?
You see your friends. And people you don't know. And all those in between. Boys you have crushes on. Teachers who think you're smart - or a pain in the butt. You write notes, daydream out the window, hang out under the stage.
So that's one thing.
I also lived with my family. More people to interact with, and my mom to always tell me - always encourage me.
And some more:
* I always listened to music.
* I thought I was attractive and flirted with boys all the time
* I had tons of free time.
* The world was my oyster. I had no limits, no responsibilities. All my options were open, I thought I could do anything.
* I had time to be alone.
Hmm I don't know how to describe it but there was just a sense of freedom - life was an adventure. Something to be enjoyed. Lived to the fullest. I want that back!
I also had a freedom to be silly. I did outrageous and crazy things.
I'd like to get back to that, too. Balanced with a bit more maturity/responsibility, of course.
I also need need need to stop watching so much tv. It really does eat my brain. If I hafta watch something I need to rent movies, not watch mindless talk shows and stupid soap operas.
And I need to get more dressed/ready.